Common sense tips

If your relationship is in trouble, there are a few things you can try before getting a counsellor:

• Never have an important discussion or row after 9pm. The chances are that you'll be tired or boozed, or both - you'll solve your differences much better in the morning.
• If the guy in the relationship feels he hates to open up emotionally, or isn't good at talking, or feels he gets interrupted all the time, or shouted down, then it's worth working to the 10-minute rule. This means that you sit down together to discuss things calmly and you each have ten minutes of uninterrupted talking time to put your case. Neither or you must interrupt or swear, or shout, or flounce out. You just talk when it's your turn, and listen when it's not. If you need another 10 minutes each, then have it. But agree before you start that you won't let this discussion go on all night. Guys in particular hate the idea of an open-ended row that goes on and on. So agree that after, say, half an hour, you'll go and get a pizza or something.
• Try to be pleasant and respectful to each other even if things aren't going great. A smile and a thank you when appropriate keeps things civilized.

When do you definitely need therapy?

Most therapists will tell you that couples tend to come for therapy as a last resort. And often they leave it so long before coming that at least one of the partners is past caring. So, do seriously consider therapy in time to do some good, especially if: 

• One of you is very insecure, clingy or jealous and this is ruining the relationship;
• You're both moody with each other most of the time;
• One or both of you can't discuss feelings with the other;
• Discussions always turn into rows;
• One or other of you is unhappy much of the time;
• You've stopped having sex.